Welcome ladies and gentlemen. To beach szn.
It has been a glorious couple of days in the city of Chicago over the last week, ranging in the 80 and sunny department. You know what that means, it’s time to cut those jeans into jorts my dudes.
Beach szn is the best. Oh you don’t live by a beach? Sucks for you pal, because for the rest of us whether you live by the ocean, lake, or pond, get to enjoy the sun, girls, and margs that are just so much better while lying on the sand. This is the perfect time of year to show off that beer gut that you have been hiding under your sweats for the last eight months.
I could go on and on about the great things about the beach, but you aren’t the only one that wants to hit the sand. Here’s who you’re going to see this summer at the beach.
- The “sunburn is the best way to tan guy”
This guy is the self-proclaimed pro who is really just too lazy to go out of his way to buy a bottle of sunblock. You can catch this guy wearing his Hawaiian print bathing suit that still has the netting on the inside. You may be wondering how to spot this guy, as a lot of people don’t remember sunscreen, but also aren’t trying to burn. Don’t worry, he’ll tell you. Between sips of his mike’s hard lemonade, he’ll instantly call out anybody for putting on sunscreen by claiming how every year he gets the best base by burning hard, and then waiting for the glorious golden body that comes after. Sorry pal, you’re going to be peeling like an onion in a couple days.
- The lax bro
“Yo is it cool if I bring my spoon to the beach?” This guy is gunna be the easiest to spot out of the five. While you’re going to be biking or walking to the beach, this guy is gunna be rolling up in his blacked out 4 door Jeep Rubicon with the doors taken off and a giant headlight on the top that has never been used. Decked out in his high school lax pinnie, board shorts, Sperrys, and neon colored sunglasses, this guy is ready to pick up all the babes in the sand. Don’t worry, he brought his stick to have a twirl in front of everybody. Sorry Chad, all those calf raises and sit ups aren’t helping guy, you’re just a dick. “Fuck man I should’ve brought my board. I could shred some sick gnar right now”.
- The kid with the sandcastle
This kid dragged his parents out of bed at 8am this morning so he could grab his plastic bucket of toys and get to the beach before anybody else gets the good sand. He makes frequent trips between the water and his sand spot because everybody knows that wet sand molds better (duh). Everything is fun and games until a waves comes in and turns the hour long endeavor into mush and this kid goes crying back to his parents who have low key been praying for that wave all day so they can leave. Good thing you spent so much of your time gathering sea glass. You could’ve sold those for a fortune.
- The guy in the running shoes.
This guy showed up like an hour ago and claims he was on a run but has been just going from towel to towel to ask people what they’re doing here. It’s the beach dude, were here to relax and enjoy the sun not listen to you about your exercise routine. It’s noon and this guy claims he’s been running since the sun came up and that the sand is the best way to improve your cardio. It probably is; we just don’t care. I’m just praying this guy will stop talking any minute and hit the play button on his ipod arm band and move along.
- The guy who is just there to enjoy the summer.
There are roughly three months of summer before you go back to school, or whatever it is you do. People have summer jobs and things but there’s nothing like getting away from it all and just crackin a cold one with a couple guys on a hot summer day. This guy doesn’t care about the other people there, he’s just there to relax and there is nothing wrong with that. Kudos to you my friend, you have done the beach right. So kick off your shoes and throw on your trunks, because there is only so much summer to enjoy.