The Ultimate Power Move of marrying Meghan Markle

Hello everyone, Peanut Spillman here making my debut for the The Sports Alien. I know what you’re probably thinking. This guy probably just took Peanut Tillmans name and changed the last name to Spillman because he’s just some tool who was looking for a clever name for his/her (gender is a spectrum #triggerwarning) alias that has some pun with spilling news. Well that is exactly what happened but its already in the system so there’s no changing it now. Anywho, there are bigger issues at stake here.


Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve heard of the “Royal Wedding” which happened the other day between Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. This is a big deal for some reason even though the royal family doesn’t do shit and has literally no power in the real world but somehow is still a thing. All I know is that some guy who is discount Carson Wentz married the feminist from the Suits and how every teenage girl is obsessed and claiming that they are in love with this couple and that somehow this makes them happier (shoutout @chicksintheoffice call me). But if you think that Prince Harry married Big Meg just because she’s a smoke then you are sadly mistaken.


To really understand what’s going on here were going on a history tour all the way back to 1776, when the US of A embarrassed the redcoats on our home turf after King George blew a 3-1 lead against a bunch of colonists with pitchforks and muskets. Ever since then, the lobsterbacks have been sipping tea between cricket matches and plotting how to get their colonies back. The only problem is that besides soccer, we’re kinda crushing them in everything. So don’t tell me that Prince Harry marrying this girl is what the kids are calling “love”. Don’t get me wrong, Meghan is a dime. However, she’s also 36 and divorced. But now their future kid is gunna have an American mom. And if the kid happens to be born on US soil, then were gunna have a problem on our hands.


Now I know what you’re thinking. “Hey Peanut, Harry is like 6th in the line for the throne. How is he a threat?” Well idgaf about Harry. Guy is a ging. What I care about is his future son being a possible US presidential candidate. If he is born on US soil, I guarantee you that he is gunna be gunning for the Presidency as soon as he hits 35 years of age. The kid is also gunna be somewhere in line for the British royalty spot. That’s kind of a problem. And to add on, Big Meg is a big feminist so she’s gunna be culturing this kid to be all over that shit. Next thing ya know we’re gunna be in deep shit making textiles for the next King George and also happens to be President George.


Don’t get me wrong, I respect the move outta the queen. But all I know is that were 1-0 vs the brits (war of 1812 doesn’t count that was fixed) and you can bet your boy Peanut Spillman isn’t planning on going .500. So bring it on England. It’s gunna take more than just that hot girl from Suits and discount Carson Wentz to take us back.


Spillman out.

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